2013 in a post

It seems like each year is passing by faster than the last, especially so for 2013. 

this year is very different, in happy ways, and especially painful ways.

2013 is the year I started with heartache, 2013 is also the year I learnt to get over whatever sadness I have in front of me. because 2013 taught me that the hurt rooted from any relationships is nothing compared to losing anyone you love forever. 

From the trivial things like changing my hairstyle back to bangs (and it has been and perhaps will be like this forever - ok for now), starting my first full-time job at MOE (and it has ended lol), changing job environments (currently 3rd) to enjoying first overseas trip to Genting with the boy, celebrated my 21st with amazingly all the people I love together, and that I OFFICIALLY graduated.

It is also the year my mummy is diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer and went through a 7-hour operation. I broke down so many times during the initial period, I couldn't stand the thoughts of any possibilities of losing this woman I love so dear. I learnt how ridiculous I was in the past, I changed my ways and learnt to love her better, bit by bit.

To the latest happening of Alfred's dad passing away, the pain at that time felt was a heart-ripping kind of stab. Double blows this year, I have learnt to grow up emotionally and was forced to cope with whatever that's coming my/our ways. 

But I believe everything happens for a reason, you may not know it now, you may not be able to comprehend it now. But eventually, everything will heal slowly (but never entirely) with time, and you will see better amidst your clouded thoughts and emotions. 

Still learning a lot more from life itself, still trying to cope and handle emotions better. 

Embrace whatever you have now, and love whoever your heart speaks of no matter if its family or lover, or even friends. 

Cheers to 2013, and here's to the coming 2014. 

cliché but I hope that everything will be better in the next year, sincerely.

once in a lifetime

I have failed to grasp what should have been mine.
I can do nothing but stand here and regret.

"I carry your heart, forever"

She never gave me up, not once.

Considering to get a ink dedicated to my mum.

With wings from you, I learnt to fly. Thank you mummy.

"she who can take the place of all others, but whose place no one else can take"

"bound in the beating of each other's heart"

"all that I am my mother made me"

When dreams turn out to be better than reality

So surreal to dream of you

It's been a few years since I fell for the you on stage and off 

It felt so... real to be held by you

Thank god for you, and your vocals Kevin. 

"Pictures speak a thousand words"

Meh. cliché but yep.

Catch-up Thursday + some shopping

KL short weekend getaway 

Adorable mummy oh who's so sweet and nice to me x

蓝色 :3

Jam :-(

qtpie Gabrielle! babylove's niece, with Thiago at the back! Eeleen and family were really nice :)

Krispykreme for you?

Crazy over 160kmh ride on Liang's mod-until-cannot Integra

From the skies

You + me

Catch-up Thursday with my woman, K

Surprise home delivery ^^

O.O my love

Weekend has been good. Movie date, Westgate, yummy Jap food, followed by lunch and shopping with Mummy Oh while the boy's having piano. Intro-ed her to eyebrow threading, got cheap perfume and new Korean shampoo + lingerie. to IMM which day then went downhill majorly. Meh. More lingerie shopping + Billabong (yes lol) sales + self pamper with virgin waxing of legs and manicure to cheer myself up.

kinda worked. Home to smiley Mummy with Boyce's visit. 

Disappointing yet happy day, mixed emotions 

If you never break you'll never know how to put yourself back together

어떻게 시작해야 할까
이 어색한 고백을 어리석게도
무심하게도 미뤄온 얘기들
그래도 되는 줄 알았어
아파한 줄 몰라서
이 다음에 또 이 다음에
미루고 미뤄오다
이제서야 말하네요
Love u 꼭 한번 해주고 싶던 말
I love u
흔해도 한번을 못해 준 그 말
가까이 있어서 늘 괜찮다고 말해서
그래도 되는 줄 알았어
For you 여태껏 받기만 했어서
Song for you
고생한 당신께 드리고 싶은
보고 싶어도 듣고 싶어도
늘 그렇듯이 늦었네요

Love. Joy. Blessings. Hope. Happiness.

"What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace."

- Agnes M. Pahro

Second Christmas with you.

Another time to love, hope and laugh.

xx

The future is worse than bleak

Why the hell is this all coming back

Why are all my thoughts jumbled up

Why am I being this unmotivated again

I'm starting to think it's not anything nor anyone else, it is me 

I'm the irresponsible and insensible one

I need to grow up.

I NEED to.

But how do I do it?

Why am I such a wreck?

Why can't I ever focus on what I want?

I say I want to become someone dependable, yet I'm doing absolutely zero to achieve anything

Fuck me, really

saying that I hate myself would be an extreme understatement.

I'm a mess

I'm a fucked up gone case

I wish I wasn't me

I wish... there isn't any me to begin with

Fuck off you useless scum self

You cannot save people you can only love 'em

I cannot help the you who's dwelling in sadness over what has already unfortunately happened
But I will love you from the side
And be there whenever you need someone

It's not much
But baby it's all I can offer

x

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so

"The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did"
I once almost gave up on my deteriorating relationship with my mother.
We were on such bad terms, we argued every time we see each other, we never exchanged a word of regards nor any greetings, it was just fights after fights after fights. I even had the thought of moving out and doing it alone on my own outside. Crazy and immature huh?
I looked for rental flats online, I bookmarked them and almost contacted them, just after a quarrel with her so bad I called her a crazy woman and other nasty stuffs. Disrespectful, rude and totally not correct.
I had so many flaws within me, I had so many issues with myself and people around me yet I failed to address it as my own problem, blaming it on anyone but myself.
I told myself, I can make it outside alone, I can support myself on my measly a little less than 2k salary per month, as long as I need not give any allowance to my mum, which at that time I thought was a huge useless burden. I told myself I don't need her, I don't need family, I just needed a job, myself and a companion (which at that time was Alfred still), that's all. I can learn to do my laundry, I can learn to cook, I can learn to tidy up myself, I can learn to be independent.
............. bullshit. All of these are so damn fucking childish now that I think about it. I should never have uttered those hurtful words, I should not have hurt and pained her this way after everything she has gone through to raise us three up alone unlike that useless father of mine. How could I have done all this, leaving our relationship to rot and wither without doing anything to salvage it? How can I ever make up for my mistakes and wrongs enough?
Sadly I only learnt it the bitter way. Not really. But yeah around there. My relationship with her gradually improved as I got myself settled with my job, after my boyfriend influenced me to improve our relationship. It got way better after she was hospitalised and diagnosed shortly after with stage 4 of colon cancer. How late, how regretful.
It was like a punch that woke me up, a deadly painful punch that stung so bad.
But I'm glad my relationship with her has improved tremendously. We communicate, we understand, we talk, we rant, we hug, we kiss, we love. She's the hero of my life, and I can never do without her.
I am truly and deeply sorry about everything I have done/said to have cut her so bad. I will do better from now on, I don't want to leave any room for regrets. I want her, in my life healthy and happy for as long as possible.

I love you Mummy, I will never stop.

He lived for those he loved and those he loved remember

I still remember the moment I picked up the phonecall on the night of 17oct- my heart dropped.
It has been almost 3 weeks since he passed away, but the heart-wrenching tug at the emotions never left. It was tough seeing how his loved ones (mine too) cried and grieve for him, while dealing with the loss of him myself, someone whom I had seen almost everyday and spent much time with.
To me, he was like a father figure, he never spoke much, he was always smiling and grinning, but he cared for us in his own subtle ways. He asked after me behind my back, he paid attention to my daily happenings, he was a wonderful and loving person, remembering and even probing for my whereabouts on the hospital bed.
saying it was difficult to handle his passing is a understatement. we miss him terribly, even i miss him so much and think of him frequently from time to time, what's more for his wife and son?
nevertheless, he fought well, he was a warrior, he won his battles and maybe this time the angels thought they would like to take him home to the lord, to end his sufferings.
daddy Oh, i pray for mummy Oh and Alfred's hearts to be comforted, i pray for all our health and well-being, i pray that you'll watch over us and stay a happy angel in the skies with Alvina, and wait till we're due to join you for a family reunion again.
thank you for always smiling at me when i went over to your place
thank you for your kind advice from time to time, they were little but precious
thank you for raising Alfred into such a fine boy, he took after you in many aspects worth noticing
thank you for leaving us with Boyce, a really grown up and sensible dog to not let us worry about him
just, thank you for your presence, you overthrew the image i had of a father all along in my heart (because of my own useless one) and taking over his position in my life for the past 1 year plus.
i will be there for both of them just like they were for me, just like you were there for me. the void and pain of losing you will never diminish, the missing will never end, but they will get better.

rest in peace our angel, we hope you'll be well in the arms of the lord above, we love you and will see you soon.

those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.

unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.

nobody said it will be easy, but i promise it will be worth it

days lately have been really bad, with mummy's health going downwards and baby's daddy's hospitalization.
we need to hang on tighter together, we need to hold on to hope and fight for these miserable days to go by.
i know it will not be easy, but i'm sure it will be all worth it at the end.
let's give each other support and live like this forever and always. we'll get past this, with our loved ones, we will.

i love you x

Thank you

You put the smiles on my face.

Thank you for everything, forever and always x. 

Happy one year babylove.

I Am Hardwell on Friday night, party was really good :)

More to come, never gonna end. ;)

Vulnerable

Today was a bad day. really bad.

got to work happily looking forward to this week because of our upcoming anniversary and Hardwell con, but received a call that made me tremble and tear afterwards. Mummy's cancer marker shot up, to a stunning 130+ (which is even HIGHER THAN BEFORE HER SURGERY IN APRIL IF I DIDN'T REMEMBER WRONGLY). After a month of temporarily stopping chemo, because the doc thought it was under control, another swollen lump now at her neck. 

I was so worried i couldnt work, i forced smiles on my face when customers were around. I was so eager to run home to her to make sure i am there at her weakest emotional state. I texted my sup immediately knowing it was an unreasonable request, but at the same time observing they have enough manpower today. I could not focus on work AT ALL. i was fidgeting, clasping my hands tightly together, tearing from time to time after speaking to mummy on the phone, she was crying, she sounded so so unhappy so.. Unwell. 

Sis gave me a call, after she rushed home from work midway and let mummy know i wanna go back to her. You know what? She comforted me instead, i heard her voice telling me to calm down and that she is fine, she was just feeling shocked and upset a moment ago and that the doctor will change medication for her soon to get her back on treatment. She told me to continue working well till tonight before going home to have dinner after my shift ends at 10pm, and to leave a good impression on my bosses because it isnt nice to leave midway especially when i just started. I almost screamed at her telling her "how do you expect me to focus and concentrate at work now?" It makes my heart ache when i heard her cheering me up and trying to sound better just for me. My heart broke in that instant, i couldnt hold back my tears and broke down. Even when customers were coming towards me i had to leave them for a sec. 

The rest of the day literally sucked. I had such a bad time coping with my emotions and had to keep clearing up my tears which came nonstop (at least for the first half of my shift) before it became my physical state to go downhill. I was having a cold and sneezing, sniffing nonfuckingstop i swear i have sneezed at least a hundred times today. So many customers were asking if i am okay. 

I just needed a hug. from someone who knows, someone who really cares.

I was upset, because whenever my shift ends at 10pm, the boy wouldnt be fetching me because that poor thing has intern at 730am every morning. And for this 2 days i end at 10. But he offered to come. Upon seeing me, he held my hands in the car; allowing my silence first to consume the car then came the rants and chunks of words. He got them all in. Then told me everything would be fine before attempting a few lame jokes and puns to get me laughing again. 

That one hug he gave, calmed my soul down. and he even said that he would come by again tomorrow. Because he knows i need someone there for me.

Its these smallest geatures that matter. How.. How can anyone be this.. suitable for me? Its like everything about him were perfect for me.

anyways getting home to seeing my mummy laugh and smile at my little jokes, made me better. God, if theres really one, anyone of you, can you all please hear my pleas, our cries and make her better? I cringe at the thought of anything happening to her, any slightest pain she have to feel through this whole process. Life wasn't brilliant before this incident but at least she was healthy and fit. Now shes just 49.5kg, seeing her lose weight day by day KILLS me inside out, watching her suffer the pain makes my heart ache. 

I want the healthy her back, I want her well again.

Please.

Please. 

I don't have time in any day, to think about you enough

Sometimes I get so tired, I want to give up. but at times I want to continue on to get what I deserve. this kind of sums up what I feel about my job right now.
the past few days/nights have been great, idk what else or how else to describe it. babylove got back from Brisbane (like finally) and gave him a surprise at the airport to fetch him together with mummy oh!
had a pleasant remaining day of homecooked goodies, and stayover for the next few days/nights. one of the day i was sick and down with gastric problems, hence gave work a skip. the boy woke up early with the intention to fetch me and his mummy to work together, but ended up taking care of me and sending mummy oh to work only before coming back to making sure I was fine and feeding me medicine and all. he even made porridge for lunch specially because i am supposed to eat bland but well, i never ever heed the doc's advice haha.
slept in his bed snuggled up in his usual pillows and blankets, it felt so nice, but would be better if he was around but alas, boy was doing up his car, bleh.
work these two days have been fetched to and fro by the boy, then back to his place to rest for the next day. it feels so nice, as if we're living together already. been long since i had this warm fuzzy feeling, like i can never have enough of it? wished it could go on but well, except for tonight because the boy is starting his internship tomorrow :( six whole months, gah at least i will be able to concentrate on work!

time is passing by so quickly. it has been what, one and coming half year since i knew the boy from the orientation camp and we're reaching our one year anniversary soon. i wished time would hurry, for us to get together everyday (although we're already seeing each other now every single day but yep you know) and to fulfill our dreams of studying abroad together, and also travelling around the world. its ironic though that i want time to slow a little down because it would mean his enlistment :( i'm a bitch when it comes to distance, i'm a super clingy (not really so when i'm fucked up and pissed off) girlf and Alfred is probably the only match-able guy with me in this aspect. we love (not) giving each other space but just that bit and comfy enough, and stick together all day long haha.
but then again, what's to come will always come so i will have to live with it. this is a rubbish post whereby i'm just posting whatever goes through my mind heh so pardon me.
time to give myself a rest, aint easy working this schedule of six day work weeks boohoo.
old photo, till i-feel-like-blogging-again :p

"theres some people in this world who you can just love and love and love no matter what" - John Green

Feeling inadequate

today started off fine, and it marked my fifth day at Cathay as a Theatre Exe as of now. 

but it went downhill, i got so tired as i made a few mistakes along the way (or night). no they were not big enough for the management to reprimand me. But enough for a customer to storm away angrily because of a mistake i made. everytime any customers appear back to our counters, i fear i was the one who did something wrong to make them come back. not really a perfectionist, but i just expect more out of myself. 

perhaps it's also the tone of the manager who replied to my request of taking an additional off day next week (= unpaid leave since i am not off probation yet) and his choice of words. 

Frankly i've not ever felt as much responsibility for any of my work until this job. Even when it hurts so bad i am tearing, i see the queue of customers and lack of manpower i continued staying at my post.

but now i fear i may give up midway to learn about all the operations of the theatre before I even handle my management executive role. I feel like i'm inefficient yet demanding, feel like i'm not good enough for the role i'm meant for here even after trying my best.

I tried my best, I did, to learn as fast and as much knowing how short of manpower they were lacking, even to the point it was shocking to some of them. There's so much more left to learn and i'm already starting to put unknown and huge unexplanable amount of pressure on myself. 

maybe it's me feeling alone, feeling down and empty. Maybe its because you're not here with me like usual, wiping my tears off whenever i feel upset. Maybe its me feeling lonely because of the lack of time to even rant to people who care. 

even talking to you and wanting to tell you what happens everyday is so hard due to the time difference and lack of it to say it all to you. 

Just a little empty tonight. I need a hug.

You know it yet you did it

2 things, both of which have been touched on, talked about and argued before. 

But you still went ahead to not do/do it. Why? Its like stabbing me with a knife, knowing it will hurt and piss me off right after. 

a way out

"sometimes it gets so hard I just want to un-meet you"
but then I realise it would be even harder then, to not have met someone as amazing as you.
next 12 days without you since you'll be in Brisbane, gonna miss you so bad. :<

we live with the scars we choose

我像隐形人 在这个世界

我听着看着 来来去去的人 

像没有声音 像不需要关心 

再强烈的风雨 都只在我身体里回应 

I believed so

Nothing irks me more than those who doesn't know what is love but think they know so.

I'm glad I got you off the hands of someone like that, I can never bear to see you suffer like this. 

Past and the future

I want to stop getting trapped in a past I wasn't even part of, because history is dead whereas the future can be created.

But sometimes, I wonder, if things would have been different/better if we met earlier in life. 

Timing, it matters too much for the difference. 

Irreplaceable

I have not found anyone more suitable for me than you, endless thank yous for completing my life, for making me feel like I could for once, love someone and love myself at the same time. You made me believe I can love again, through falls and peaks.

Forever and always x

Faith worked

Today is a happy day.
Mummy got back her CT scan results and blood test results. Her cancer markings went down to 15plus from 80+ before her operation and over 50 even after. Her cancerous spread spots in the other affected organs have significantly reduced in size. :')
Yes my mum is at stage 4 of colon cancer. we were all so desperate for cures and at a loss, I was trapped at a point of life I never thought I would get myself entangled in.

The chemo treatments, though hard, helped afterall. I cannot help being happy, really happy, grinning from ear to ear when I received the news at work.
Faith worked its way afterall, please let it continue to be well and she can be off the treatments after two more times.

Why do we fight

"Why is it that we often feel the irresistibility of rocking the boat that is moving smoothly and steadily along?!

Well to answer my own question, there could be several reasons. It could be due to the fact that we don’t believe we deserve to be happy and in causing waves we make it less perfect therefore appeasing our own insecurity. It is a way to balance things out, to make things less perfect. This way we can allow ourselves to be a little happy at times because we justify that happiness by saying well it ain’t perfect all the freakin time so I should truly enjoy and cherish the times that it is. Because come on, we’d be stupid to believe that anything in this world is perfect so why not at least have some control of when the shit shall hit the fan than be totally surprised when you are at your happiest? Because come on, if things would go wrong when you are unsuspecting, it would just be devastating, wouldn’t it? It would surely kill you right there and then, wouldn’t it?!

Maybe we do it because we are scared to love someone, scared that one day they will leave and so we cause a fight almost in a masochistic manner, shutting our eyes and waiting for the blow of that loved one reaching the end point and giving up. We metaphorically sit there in the corner, crouched down, eyes shut tight, hands over our heads, holding our breath waiting for the apocalypse of our relationship to come. Knowing full well that we are the ones who initiated the atomic bomb to begin with and lets be realistic if the initial blast does not kill us the fallout of the radiation definitely will, eventually.

Maybe it’s because we’re insecure and we need to be reassured. But why are we insecure? Is it because we are outside our element? Is it the foreign, the unknown that draws the most desire rather than the known and familiar? Is it these types of relationships that have an expiration date because they simply can’t be sustained over constant misunderstandings, miscommunication? Because in order to understand we need to trust and if we’re insecure there’s just simply no room for trust.

So why, why do we ourselves poison our relationships? Why do we need constant reassurance? Constant reminders and definitions? Why can’t we just let ourselves breathe and love and be loved? Why can’t we trust? Is it because our hearts are irreparably broken from the get-go? Our souls forever in purgatory? Are any of us blessed enough not to know such despair and longing, to be able to love, to trust unquestioningly and not to end up hurt?"

Blessing

Whenever I feel like I'm falling back into the abyss of mistakes and loneliness, you're there to pull me back up into reality. It's wrong on so many levels that I'm always finding faults with you, and I myself sometimes do not even know where I am heading.
But you're my direction, you're my compass that never fails to lead me to the correct way.
And I am so glad to have you. No matter how much I say I don't.

Just know that whenever I ask you to fuck off, thats when I need you closer than ever. Thank you, for never leaving me, even at my darkest side.

Forgiveness

I miss many things

But I know I'll regret and miss more if I let go of whatever I have now

So I want to keep holding on

But it gets so tiring

Its so exhausting to keep it going

I want to, I need to have you with me

However sometimes things get hard

I don't blame you nor anyone for what I am in

Sometimes I wonder if I lost some, or gained more being in this

The thought of having you around is impossible to resist

And I know it is worth it and it will be worth it if I fight on

But it really gets too hard sometimes

It all crumbles down to me

I know I am fortunate to have you, someone who's much more tolerant and thoughtful compared to the

Other guys around me

Times like this where I feel the need to just quieten down and think it through

Can I live with it?

What's done is done

What's hurt is hurt

You can expect forgiveness but, really forgetting it does not come along so easily

We keep going around in circles

Fighting about the same issue, then settling down then arguing about the same point again

Theres no solution to this

I appreciate the change, I really do

But really, whats done's done.

You cannot blame me for remembering, I cannot also blame the present you who's trying

Your changes do make things better, but they do not make the problem and issue disappear

And its something that's never gonna be changed

All that can be done for this is regret

And even regrets alone cannot help to solve this root of the problem

You see, thats the scary part about making a mistake 

There's no turning back

You can make things better, you're doing it

But there'll always be a scar there

Its impossible for you to make even the scar to disappear

How do you solve a question which doesn't have a solution? 

Nevermind, pardon me. 

There're weak moments like these

it's just that I feel alone, so alone without you

Fragile

There are times like this where I allow my mind to run wild 

There are times like this where i get chained down by what happened in the past

I'm too afraid to move on

I'm too timid to be happy

I know it is hard on you, hard on us 

But you have no idea how difficult it is to get rid of these 

You don't know how much effort it takes to forget what happened

Sometimes I really doubt myself and my capability to love 

I am in no position to nitpick when i'm no perfect myself

It pains you thinking how I do not appreciate your change for the better

But do you know?

it pains me even more to see me secondguess your every move;

to be tired and letting all this pull me down 

I'm sorry.

But who could love me? I am out of my mind

No one will really understand unless you're in it too.
No one will be there when you break yourself down, no one will be there when everything gets torn slowly and your world starts falling apart, bit by bit unknowingly.

After all these time, I've grown to realise that at the end of the day no one will be there except for yourself, deep down in that abyss of loneliness you face every now and then.

it isn't about being emotional nor sentimental, it's being able to see reality clearly when you're clouded by everything else. :')
I don't need to have anyone catching me when I fall, just don't be there to watch. I'll be fine, alone, eventually.

can't take my eyes off you

Love.

hold your hands in mine

31st May, her chemotherapy started.

I knew this was either for the good or for the worse, but I hoped it was the former. yes i knew it wasn't going to be easy, but it was going to be beneficial for her, to aid her in the battle in the long run.

However I honestly didn't know it was going to be this hard.

her hands tremble so much because of the medicine, seeing her awful face because of the nausea and vomiting, and her breaths so rapid. I want to make it better for her so bad, I want to help her share her pain. 

she looks so vulnerable, and she is eating lesser because of the loss of appetite.

This is only the first session, I do wish to see her better in the coming ones once her body is kind of accustomed to the chemo medicine a little more.

Please whoever is out there, help us get over this, help her get over this obstacle.

I cannot afford for anything to happen to her, it scares me too much, even the thought of it is too much to bear.

I jolt awake every now and then at night thinking of the possibility should we lose her, and it feels like my chest could cave in and engulf me alive.

there's something about you

You keep me together, you keep me going for whatever that's coming my way.
I can't wait to love more of you, and hell I think I'm falling in love with you for a brand new reason every single day

"I spend 23 hours a day wondering whether we're wrong for each other, wondering whether we've got the energy that we need to get through everything that we seem to get into, whether the baggage we both bring would sink a small ship. But in the 24th hour, I realise I've been thinking about her for 23 hours and I come back to there's something about her, I can't stay away from. Something about her, that makes me want to love her"
- 24th hour enlightenment, quoted from Tumblr.

there's just something about you that makes me want more, that keeps you close to me.

carefree

Graduated, even though the woman i love most, and the one who saw me through it wasn't there to witness it with her own eyes.
I felt happy because she's happy, all i want is for her to be safe and healthy, and always smiling :')

But i had my siblings and love of my life with me, thank god for them all.

Forgive and forget

The pain, it ceases to cause a distinct ache but it doesn't mean it is no longer there

I forgive, but never forgets, that's the painful part. I can't let go. Not even things that upset me.

and then i realise

It will never be the same again, I can never trust you. Once I see or hear anything strange, my mind is automatically reminded of all that has happened and my heart closes again.
Someone told me, how is it that I chose to live with it and continue with you then, it is not healthy, I should not continue if I am not prepared to, at least mentally.
then i thought, i know why.

because it will never go away, it will never be the same. and if I really choose to be with you again only after I have settled my heart (which is never), we'll never be together, ever again.

sup

this blog is too emotional no?

Ok some updates about my life.
well puked out my dinner in the Goldclass seats at vivo midway through Oblivion last wednesday night
And practically was dead puking and diarrhoea the past few days- i was camping in the toilet i swear
Episodes after episodes of throwing up i wonder how i am going to survive pregnancy next time LOL
but thanks to the boy who was there for me, coming by to visit me and bringing/cooking me porridge :-)

And today's the 6th day! I'm feeling better already 'cept for some loud churning and rumbling in my tummy
Guess its the intestines working its way out!
And that i lost about 3kg? #unhealthyweightloss
PLUS THE VIRUS PROBABLY IS PASSED ONTO MY SIS AND BROTHER LOL

anyway so happy i didnt need the jab to stop the vomitting
I HATE NEEDLES

Fights

Largest fight ever
I thought we were not going to make it
It made me think so hard
Whether we're meant to be, because i so badly want to make you a better person
Not the wreck you show when you get my cold shoulder

But with fights come understanding
And any issue which will be an issue to our future will hopefully cease to be one
I love you, and i never intend to stop
Thank you for always taking the step first to apologise and tell me how much i mean to you, how much we mean to you
Thank you for telling me how you cannot see a future without me, whenever i tell you i cannot see our future

Struggle

You're so strong
7 hours of surgery and you got through
But i need you to stay strong
I'm sorry but i cannot afford to lose you to this scumbag cancer
It all came too suddenly, and i really wish it is a bad dream i can wake up from
How can you suddenly drop this terminal stage bomb on us?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry i didn't observe and care enough before.
But please whoever is up there, let her go. Dont do this to her, i cannot stand seeing her in pain
Shes someone whos so so afraid of needles and now i see her being inserted with all these tubes and needles
I wish i can take the pain for her so badly

Why do the worst things happen to the best people? Why?
She is left abandoned singlehandedly raising the three of us up. We have no one but her.
I will really just crumble apart if anything is to happen
So please mummy, please hang on for us.
There are so many people concerned, so many came and visited you.
So please get through this with our combined faith...

Aunty Mary, we lost you because of cancer too
I dont wanna lose another beautiful lady
So will you please help?
Help to bless her with this hurdle?
I pray and pray that everything will be fine soon.

I miss you back home so bad.
Please come home soon, healthy and safe.

Fatigue

Am i looking for too much? Or is the ordinary plain too mundane for me to handle?
Just how much is your much, how much is your anything and everything?

Insufficient

I feel like i can do so much more, i want to do so much more
I had dreams, i had things i wanted to see myself doing for the rest of my life but yet i find that i am lacking so much

I like seeing people's smiles, I like being in an environment i am happy in and right now my workplace isn't it at all
I have no motivation to head to work everyday i have taken up more leave than what a newbie would have taken in a year but i cannot stop, because once i find no joy in what i am doing, i just stop in my tracks, full-force
This is like dejavu, like a replay of what and how i've wasted my years in poly doing something i ended up flunking and leaving with a just-pass and a mentality that i absolutely cannot wait to graduate from that hell-hole
But guess what? It wasnt like that in Year 1, life was good and i actually enjoyed school because of the company i had around me, the joy i had attending school with the rest of the people i loved
Then things went downhill and i just. want out.

Customer service line has been something i have been doing and loved.
I loved working in f&b despite how tiring it gets, i loved seeing people satisfied with how i've presented myself but now, i cant. Maybe it is the environment that is not sufficient to make me strive maybe it is just me making up an excuse to cover up for my laziness but i swear if i love something i'd do it

I really want to venture out and see and feel so much more but theres so little i can reach out to, i feel empty i have nothing in my life that i can look forward to, i'm lost and i want to be found i want to know where this goes i know i can do so much more but theres no motivation anymore. I just stopped. I feel sad. I feel bad for being me, i feel fucked up for being my own limit and obstruction to more.

I'm only glad i have someone to support me in whatever i wanna do, thats one right thing i've done my whole life- loving and having him. Sometimes i even feel i'm the one dragging him and stopping him or us from advancing. Where do i go from here?

You're my remedy

I'm someone with very low self-esteem
I hate how someone on the streets may just be looking at you but in my mind i would think that that person is secretly looking at and into all my physical flaws- i feel like i'm seen through all the way to my bones
I hate what i see in the mirror, because it reflects everything i hate, everything that reminds me of how i dont think i deserve anyone to love me

then i met you
You taught me love was embracing someone's every flaw, but i couldnt even see any of yours
You're everything i would always love to continue calling mine and i've never stopped thanking god for placing you into my life
I will never be thankful enough at how we were both let down and let go of by people who hurt us, at almost the same time, allowing us to meet each other and fall in love
being in love with you was both the easiest and hardest thing to do- there was nothing i would not love about you thats why you made falling for you so easy, yet being in love with you was so difficult to go through without being disappointed by your entangled past time and again
You saw things in me i could never see in me for myself, you used words so foreign to describe me because i'd never think they can be used on me
I may deny and refuse whenever you tell me i'm beautiful, because i can never understand what is it to you, but i never fail to smile and die a little inside being told almost daily this by someone i love.
Maybe one day i'll grow to believe that i'm really beautiful and to see beyond my physical/mental flaws if you continue it this way
You made me see things i could never see for myself, you stirred up emotions in me that have never been before

No doubt how i still hate what i see in the mirror but i am grateful that no matter how hopelessly ugly i am and unsatisfied i am with myself, i have you with me, i have you to love me

Thank god for you, thank you for you

You choose to be deaf, i then choose to be mute

And why can't you understand how frustrating it feels to feel as if your words have fallen on deaf ears?
Why cant you see how many times i've tried in better ways to show you i worry before i couldnt take it this time?
Stop brushing off what i say and acknowledging only its existence. Heed the advice, hear AND listen, see AND understand.
they come together cant you see that?
I need a man, i need someone who can give me a sense of security, not a kid who blows off rushing to race with someone when provoked, not someone who makes me tired from worrying each time he drives. But it seems like it had been fixed, how i'm always seeing you in the wrong for every single issue. Why cant you see the reason behind me flaring up?

In that moment i feel as if i do not matter my words do not carry any fucking weight, you know what i feel?
useless, motherfucking insignificant.

Past

Thinking about the past makes me bittersweet, how we came across and beyond everything to get to where we are, yet how much pain i had to withstand before you realised what you had.
Sometimes i grow afraid of the unknown future, because i can never picture a future without you, or at least for now. Its too bleak, i cannot even imagine it.
I have you now, and whenever you tell me the reasons why it was me you chose makes me contented, yet puzzled as to why did those bad things happen then, what went through your mind?
I wouldnt deny that i loved you alot, i did so much for you, i got hurt i stayed, i did everything i could for you but you couldnt see me then, yet you could now see the worse me, the me whos now putting in less than half the efforts i had and i should.
Bizzare isn't it, its precisely these kind of thoughts that push me further away from reality, from what i have now, from you, its these kind of thoughts that sets about the insecurity in my mind, fearing to lose grip of anything i hold dear to me now.
Oh what have you done to me, you're my sweetest mistake.

Everything i wanna say

floating heart, maddening feelings

It's the little things that matter. I hate how this saddening feeling comes and go, how this happiness seem so short-lived.
I need to find it back, find myself back, probs find the feelings back. I dont know whats going on with myself, on how to feel about the current us.
when things get better, its natural for people to loosen their tensed selfs, expected mistakes to be forgotten and efforts will then lessen.
ask yourself, are you one of those who take the better for granted?
I was, am i still? Or am i not seeing the bigger picture enough, am i still adamant on the flaws and mistakes?
Is it wrong to live the way i've always lived, love the way i've always loved?
Have i changed, or have you changed? Or are my feelings the one screwing things up?
I dont know, we seem to have reached a stage where things are stagnant and we're standing at a crossroad junction, i'm unsure of where to go from here.
I know i cannot expect myself to go on being selfish and expect you to be tense all the time, doing anything just because of tw fear to lose me but i cannot help feeling emptiness many times when i'm with you.

I just wish these moments where I am lost on what to do about us, where to head to from here and these maddening maddening emotions will just go away.
Am i incapable of love and be loved anymore?
I'm starting to think so.

the idea of being in love

I think the idea of falling in love is both terrifying yet thrilling
The concept of relying on someone for now or for life
The thought of having your emotions dependant on someone
I am embracing this feeling of love, I'm learning how to love
And I'm so glad I have you to embark on this journey together with me

It's still unknown if we'll walk to the end.
I hope, but I am still unsure
Because the feeling gets lost and comes back.
All i want to do now is to enjoy this walk with you.
Happiest five months, my love.

This time its over

We dont see eye to eye on this issue of honesty and trust. You dont see how much i hate you lying, i dont see how you are afraid of speaking up.
Since i made you this fearful of me, i dont want to be the cause of it anymore, i dont want to know anything about you anymore.
Its such torture to be with someone whom i love so so much, and brings me so much happiness, yet he can make me so fuming mad, and not trust him that much.
I'm so sick and tired, i so want to say-
this time, it's really over.

sadly i meant every word i said today

I gave you a chance to salvage, you took it, tried and now destroyed everything again.
I tried to give it a chance, i tried to make it work, but then i realised what's not meant to be, will never be.

home is where the heart is

they say home is where the heart is.
to me, this is no longer a home, it's just a house.
nobody understands anyone in this place we call family anymore, it was broken long ago and no one is bothering to pick up the pieces and mend them up, no one.
I want to, but there's only so much one can do. It takes two hands to clap, i can't be the only one trying to change things.
you make me feel like i'm doing everything for nothing, you make me feel like i'm never good enough for you nor this family.
so i'm done, i'm 200% fucking done.

our love was true

"Sometimes, love is just not enough. No matter how hard we've tried, our problems remain unsolved. We loved and got hurt along the way, thats enough, right? Despite our efforts, we've already reach our limits. I really don't want things to end between us, after all the things we've put up with each other, our fights and suffering, we still have those laughing moments and happy times, right? I love ...you, but it's a pity this feeling can't solve our problems. Have you ever cried so hard with someone you love over something both of you can't resolve? We hugged and cried together because we cared for each other, it proved that our love was true."

my once in a lifetime

I love you more than i thought it was possible to love someone
I never knew it would be this immense, this intense to love someone
you put me through pain i thought i'd probably die from, you make me so happy i never thought i could ever been my whole life
You're my lifeline, you're the bane of my life, you're my once in a lifetime. I love and hate you, sometimes i'm so happy i met you, sometimes i wished you didnt appear to put me and my heart through such torture.
You make me feel and embrace all the emotions possible in the world, you make me complete.

you feel hopeless like nothing can save you

every now and then i'm so afraid i'll become so unreasonable, so taking you for granted that you'll always love me, that you'll always give in to me, that i'll become incorrigible.
will you still love me, by then?

a little dance party

A little more, a little less. A step forward, a step back. it feels like we're having a little dance party on our own. and in the end, all we will ever be is back to square one.

I find her a joke, i find that her words and actions do not tally at all. I find that she's such a irony, that she say one thing, mean another and do another. that's how you were too, such a match made in heaven. that is why i have little faith in you, i saw how heartless her words were, yet what she did was different. the similarity between the two of you is too great, that i cannot trust you just like how i cannot never take her words seriously.

when someone wants you back, they do everything possible to win you back. but little did they know, the more they do, the more the receiving party expects, or rather for me, to let the amount of efforts stay. I am not saying that to solve the problem, the one side should do lesser such that the end who's taking, for now will not expect as much. it is not that way, right? whatever efforts you put in now should stay, stay the way it is even after she took a step forward and nearer, back to how she was.
holding hands a little less tighter, no longer looking at her when she fell asleep, or just looking at her while she looks at you, not holding her when you sleep. not doing what you did, telling the world of this girl you love, right after you part ways, or at times she did not expect it, telling her what she mean to you, right after you say goodbye.
trivial matters like these matter, and the fact that it happened now right at the time when contact was made with the past, makes her think alot, alot.
if one cannot keep up with what you did, cannot not loosen the little things you do for her, then don't do that much from the start. are you prepared to put in this much efforts forever, are you?

you can love the person you trust, but you cannot always trust the person you love

I'm so tired, I'm so worn out. I wonder everyday why did you let this happen, time and again, why did you scar us like that, making it so hard for me to believe, to trust and to love again?
I hate you so much, yet i love you as much.
It's so hard to believe, I'm so afraid to step closer to you, to hand you my heart again, I know how it will hurt both you and me should I not believe you, or doubt whatever you say. I'm so scared of any changes, anything happening again because it reminds me how bad it hurts, to not be able to trust the one you love.

I surrendered out my heart and swop it for yours

"my thoughts are stars i cannot fathom into constellations"

love and hate, coexisting