frankly, you'll always be the object of my envy. he treated you like his everything, he loved you with his life, he stayed on even when he had all the reasons in the world to leave you, he held on to you yet you took all of that for granted and left time and time, just because you know he'll come back running to you, be it his fault or yours. it didn't matter who was in the wrong, he wanted you, he felt that he needed you, he thought that he could not live without you, so he hung on by a thread, he knew you two walked on a fragile line, he just didn't think and know that he would see it break while it lasted.
i can never get him back, how he was when he was with you. i liked that, i liked that him. the way he behaved was everything i've ever wanted in my boyfriend, that is why i can never understand how you could ever bear to let go of him. even for the first time, when you were unsure if he'd return. how?
i never felt bad towards you, because if you did deserve the first chance(s) he gave you, you wouldn't need to ask for another. he learnt to turn away from you, he realised how holding on just pained him, he didn't see how much it was hurting him even when everyone around him could, despite being friends who just knew him, we could see how unhappy he was when he was with you. true enough, he loved you. he loved you a lot, because he told me you were his first, first for practically everything. you were also the first to accept him, you were also his first heartbreak.
probably if he had treated you badly and gave you nothing but empty promises, I would understand your bitterness better. but no you were the one who threw him away, you were the one backing out on your promises and words so remember that clearly.
nobody taught him how to let go, nobody forced him to move on without you- he just realised it. yes he did. loving someone may be one reason, or perhaps the strongest one to hold onto everything that was hurting you, but if something gradually proved to be more of a burden, more of a liability to you, you learn to leave, and live with it.
i said before, it's regretful to live with a life of regrets, but life without regrets, ironically is nothing. you feel no pain, you feel no loss, you don't feel alive. that is how, that is why, learn to live with regrets, moreover regrets and decisions you made yourself.
i went through the same phase of letting what and who i thought was the best for me leave, i regretted and now i'm learning to cope with it and live with them. because i've loved and i've lost.
that is how we learn. that is what every relationship is supposed to do- teach you, a little more each time.
"first love is important because it teaches you what is love, but last love teaches you what is life."
i will not be shameless and be confident enough to say we'll last till the end, that i'll be his last. but i'll try. because i know he is everything i want, he is everything i see that i can never bear to let go of even if you traded the world with me.
i may not be perfect, i have my flaws, i know. i hear but i don't listen. i get possessive, i get controlling. yes i'm still learning how to love, despite my past 4, i am still learning. i mean this thing called love, people spent the whole life learning about it isn't it?
but i can promise with my life, i will love him with everything i have, i may not have much to offer but i can give him all, because i know now, how much i love him. so rest assured, he is in good hands, and he is happy.
i'd not ask for your blessings, because
i got over the nasty bitter words you said, even though i was angry that i had done nothing to incur your wrath- i merely am together and loving someone you let go of, and whom you're still loving even though you chased him away and you were the one who singlehandedly destroyed everything you two had; to put it across harshly? you deserve it.
so suck it up, get over it and stop being sour over everything- trust me you'll live happier than staying rooted and stuck at a place they call the past, refusing to move on. you claim there're chains holding you back, yes there are it's you yourself. so do yourself a favour, do us a favour and stop.
i will not entertain anyone interrupting my life, and have their eyes on what's now mine.
what's mine, stays mine, and i'll guard it/him/them with my entire life you can bet on it.
you can try, but you will not succeed. because when one senses someone is trying to take her/his world away, what would he/she do? fight till the end, because I can see what's worth me fighting till I bleed, I can see what you didn't, and what you do now but it's far too late.
i've remained calm and bear nothing but indifference towards your one-sided words and opinions of me, so don't take this a step further, because even the motherfucking saints have got a limit.
and you are reaching mine ;)
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