I lied

breaking apart when you're already in pieces inside makes you feel like everything around you is crumbling and crushing you in the process; you hear the heartbeat louder, you feel it crash against your chest harder.
I cannot see how we can still work out when, pardon me for being honest, every inch of faith and trust i've in you is gone, how do we even go on from here, how do we go on forever and always?
but you keep trying to show me ways how we could carry on, it pains me to see you trying so hard yet i cannot move at all, rooted to the same spot i was left hurting, because i have no idea how to move on and let go of whatever that's happened. I want to, but my heart and mind forbid me to.
"you said forever and always...." when your tears fell in front of me, because of me, you don't know how much i want to stab myself for hurting you like this.
but i turn around and reminded myself harshly how this was what you put me through several heartless times, and thinking about that smirk and victorious grin on her face makes me feel that i've failed, i've fallen under her feet, pushed singlehandedly by no one else but you.
i lied when i said i don't love you anymore, i lied when i said i was lying when i told you forever and always and all the plans we had for the future. but i wasn't lying when i told you i've zero trust in you left, and i cannot help but doubt everything and anything you say and do now.
my mind and heart are both tired, can this trust issue give me a break? I don't know what to believe anymore, tell me why did you let this happen to me, to us, tell me what do i have to do from now?