it's a little too late to fix the heart you murdered with your own bare hands

sup.
so things have been going pretty well lately, hence the reduced number of emotional fuck posts on here.
the thoughts i want to convey out seem to find no way of forming into the most accurate of words, and that is why i find it hard to continue, when everything is jumbled up in my head creating scenarios destroying me from the inside-i got to say, thoughts are really the ones which hurt us most.
perhaps it is because things are going well, too well in fact that i'm afraid of losing, afraid that this will probably be the best time for life to screw up and crumble everything upon me again.
nonchalance and indifference towards you, towards us because i am scared of stepping forward only to be hurt by someone i love so much again, i cannot afford another heartbreak, yet at the same time i'm afraid i will push you too far till you never want to return to me again.
i want to love you whole again, i want to fall for you fearlessly like i did before, do things and give instead of only taking now, like before. but do you know how hard it is for me?
do you know how bad you have hurt me, till i do not dare to move forward in our relationship anymore?
fear that everything will revert back to how they were once i am back to how i was, yet fear that i will push you too far away.
i don't know what to do, even among such happiness and bliss, this torture and conflict inside of me never ends, and i realise how this has always been- you, me, us. ever since i met you, fell for you, loved you, there have been nothing more than the internal wars tearing me apart from inside of me, all the time.
please take the conflicts away, please take me away.