xx

don't lie because all these will stop one day, and i feel like every step i manage to take forward drives you a step back to where you came from. why must our relationship be like this?
and don't lie because it's in everyone's nature to take things for granted when everything is going good. you did it to me once, and how can anyone guarantee it would not happen again, since it's a familiar feeling to you that it's for sure i wouldn't leave you?
it may not happen now, but who knows? I need to guard my heart for even the future, i'm sorry.

monster

It's scary how i find myself behaving more unreasonable day by day, how i'm afraid just one day i'll end up a replica of her.
but this has how i've always been isn't it?
It's obvious your patience is thinning out with me, because i know how tiring it is for someone to be with me, because i'm always over-thinking and overanalysing.
but hey, remember? you were the one who made me like this, this little trust and faith in you, you were the one who crushed me like this, destroyed us like that and put our relationship on the edge. It isn't that you're not doing enough, it's that it was way too much before, what you did to us.
and sometimes when i sense that this making-up-to-me things you're doing are becoming more of a liability to you, instead of something you're willing to do, i find all this pointless, us meaningless. and don't lie to yourself, you get sick and feel like you're obligatedly doing all these to win me back, to make me stay isn't it? it makes you feel like nothing you ever do will be enough for me. and when you're thinking this way, it's already there, the fact that all these are nothing but a burden and liability to you.
sometimes i get so tired of thinking about us, i wished we never started.
all i ever wanted was just a simple devoted guy, a simple relationship, no crazy ex, no crazy issues, just us. i thought you'd be the one to give what i want and need to me. but i guess not.
I find this so scary, you so scary. I miss the old you, yet i am utterly disgusted by the things you did to hurt me, whether intentionally or not. And i hate you for that.
I love the current you, but i find myself wondering all the time when will it be the day i'll lose this you. and it wears me out so badly constantly burning my mind with this.
spare me, please. my mind has been in turmoil ever since i met you and loved you. when will all this end before i finally could not take it anymore and run away from you?
i've never knew how bad it would hurt to love someone, until you.

those thoughts

I hate.

it's a little too late to fix the heart you murdered with your own bare hands

sup.
so things have been going pretty well lately, hence the reduced number of emotional fuck posts on here.
the thoughts i want to convey out seem to find no way of forming into the most accurate of words, and that is why i find it hard to continue, when everything is jumbled up in my head creating scenarios destroying me from the inside-i got to say, thoughts are really the ones which hurt us most.
perhaps it is because things are going well, too well in fact that i'm afraid of losing, afraid that this will probably be the best time for life to screw up and crumble everything upon me again.
nonchalance and indifference towards you, towards us because i am scared of stepping forward only to be hurt by someone i love so much again, i cannot afford another heartbreak, yet at the same time i'm afraid i will push you too far till you never want to return to me again.
i want to love you whole again, i want to fall for you fearlessly like i did before, do things and give instead of only taking now, like before. but do you know how hard it is for me?
do you know how bad you have hurt me, till i do not dare to move forward in our relationship anymore?
fear that everything will revert back to how they were once i am back to how i was, yet fear that i will push you too far away.
i don't know what to do, even among such happiness and bliss, this torture and conflict inside of me never ends, and i realise how this has always been- you, me, us. ever since i met you, fell for you, loved you, there have been nothing more than the internal wars tearing me apart from inside of me, all the time.
please take the conflicts away, please take me away.

sometimes

I wanna know what's on your mind, I wanna know what comes across in your head when you think about her, when you think about me.

It gets better, no?

time is supposed to do its job, so i presume it will get better soon, am i not right?

I lied

breaking apart when you're already in pieces inside makes you feel like everything around you is crumbling and crushing you in the process; you hear the heartbeat louder, you feel it crash against your chest harder.
I cannot see how we can still work out when, pardon me for being honest, every inch of faith and trust i've in you is gone, how do we even go on from here, how do we go on forever and always?
but you keep trying to show me ways how we could carry on, it pains me to see you trying so hard yet i cannot move at all, rooted to the same spot i was left hurting, because i have no idea how to move on and let go of whatever that's happened. I want to, but my heart and mind forbid me to.
"you said forever and always...." when your tears fell in front of me, because of me, you don't know how much i want to stab myself for hurting you like this.
but i turn around and reminded myself harshly how this was what you put me through several heartless times, and thinking about that smirk and victorious grin on her face makes me feel that i've failed, i've fallen under her feet, pushed singlehandedly by no one else but you.
i lied when i said i don't love you anymore, i lied when i said i was lying when i told you forever and always and all the plans we had for the future. but i wasn't lying when i told you i've zero trust in you left, and i cannot help but doubt everything and anything you say and do now.
my mind and heart are both tired, can this trust issue give me a break? I don't know what to believe anymore, tell me why did you let this happen to me, to us, tell me what do i have to do from now?

I loved you more than anything

how could you allow such hurt to wash upon the one you love so much, how could you bear to.
I can never understand, i can never comprehend, i cannot and will not ever be able to put you through such pain.
i loved you, more than i've ever loved anything, yet you threw it aside and hurt me more than anyone ever did, time and again.
sometimes i feel so much like a fool in front of you, how is it possible one can do so much to poke at my emotions like this? I'm left rendered helpless at this pain, that pricks at my soul every single time.

tell me it gets better before i lose all hope

i wanna love you whole again, i wanna feel alive again, i wanna feel like we're possible again.

i honestly don't think you know how hard this is for me

"once you get screwed over, you change"
trying hard to get myself to not think about whatever that has happened, to embrace what i have now with me- you. trying hard to get myself to trust you again when all i can do now is doubt all you ever did.
what have you done to me?
sometimes i just want to scream at you, and ask you to leave and never come back. but then i realise how i'd be finding myself mourning over the loss of you and end up regretting my decision. but how? how do i ever get rid of this tormenting feeling that's tearing me apart inside?
how could you bear to hurt someone you claim you love so much?
how could you?

today is one of those days where i just want to leave, leave far away. will you only be afraid to lose me when i tell you you're?

sometimes i feel like i can forgive you rightaway, other times it feels like it'd take an eternity

I like the way you remove my makeup for me
I like the way you spam pimple cream/mosturizer for me whenever i need them
I like how you now bother to take the effort to notice the way i draw my eyeliner now
I like the way you hold on really tight to my hands whenever i give you the chance to
I like how you now remembers the small things i mention to you, such as the album name i disliked in your phone
I like how you peck me on the lips/face when i was falling asleep
I like how you'd spring up and get pills/water for me, or on/off the fan just because of a sentence from me
I like how you take the effort to wake up and come down to find me even for a short while when i'm at work
I like how your eyes light up and how you smile immediately when we meet once you set your eyes on me
I like how you now hate me walking away because you feel how i felt when you did the same before
I like how you give up talking to people i do not fancy
I like how you now spend everyday with me because you want it, and you enjoy every waking moment with me
I like how you now say i love yous so often but i know you mean them
I like how jealous you get when i mention other guys
I like how you now text me first, wants to call me to say goodnight
I like how often you now tweet/mention me and how immediate you reply to my tweets, how you reply to every single one of them when you didn't in the past
I like how you now check my tweets regularly and watch my blog daily
I like how you send me multiple texts and long meaningful ones to tell me how much you love me and how sorry you're
the list can go on and on, and i really wish you mean everything you did/said and still doing/saying.
happy 3rd months and many more to come, never change the way you're now, don't make me end up regretting when i finally forgive you.
other than that, i love you x

go away

No, just no.
I don't know. I wish this would all go away.
why did you even make this happen to haunt me.....?

I cry because i fear

at that point of time, i really thought that it is impossible for us to return back to how it was anymore. at that point of time, i looked back and cried, because somewhere deep down i fear that we can never be the same again. there'll always be something there, in my heart.
i don't know anymore, my heart keeps going back and forth because of you. and it's so contradicting that i want us to go back to how happy we were, go back to how i was always loving you, but yet i refuse to want the present you gone.
wouldn't it be perfect if the past me and the current you were together? we'd have made the best couple isn't it?
why couldn't you see how bad i wanted you and how much i loved you back then, before this happened, you had to take them all for granted and now you want that me back. maybe it's true how they say when you care lesser, they start to care more.
i don't know myself how do i find that side of me back, i told you my feelings faded a lot, but even if they did, i still love you. because the initial amount was such a great deal, that no matter how much it subsided, it will always be there.
but looking at how they keep coming and going, and how feelings are not meant to go away, i realised, they're just kept away, i kept them away.
because once i get hurt, a part of me shuts off, and this time it's the part which contains most of the feelings towards you.
looks like i need more time than i thought i do, looks like this damage is done far worse than what i had imagined.

i like it that your smiles are because of me now

I like the you now, minus the going berserk part i adore how you gaze and look at me as if i'm the only girl you see.
I like how you're planning our future in your head and grinning so wide just by thinking about it.
I like how you smile when i do small things like peck your cheeks/lips when i see you studying away, something i always did but i guess you took for granted and now you get so happy when i do it.
I like how you see me more important than anything/anyone else now.
I like how you are the one doing the mentioning on twitter now.
I like how you don't flare up at me, but instead know your mistakes and apologise instead of screaming, shouting at me.
I like how you're now giving in to me constantly, no matter what.
I like how you get jealous when i talk to/about other guys.
I like how you are so sure it's me you're marrying.
I like the you now who replies my texts promptly instead of taking your own time to.
I like how you chase me for replies when i didn't because thats how i know you cannot go without talking to me.
I like how you say you'd do anything, even quitting smoking and constantly asking me not to leave you.
I like how you get happy so easily with every small gesture i made, or reply to you.
I like how you text and call when you sense me getting upset and refusing to talk to you, instead of walking away to spite me further and return to me all cold and angry.
I like seeing how you now fear losing me.
will this you go back to how you were? I'm finding myself back, the me who'd cling onto you and do everything you're doing now. but i'm afraid once i return to how i am, you'll also revert to how you were and all these will disappear. that is why while waiting around for the wound to heal and for myself to forgive you, i don't want to go back to how i am if it means having of all these gone, i wanna stay distant, so you'd cherish my every move and sweet gesture preciously, not wanting to lose me or any of it.
maybe this is payback, you returning what i didn't had gotten before and you needing to do everything to get me back, get the complete me back.
I don't want, i don't like that thought that this will all go away. so where do i go from here, how do we go on from here....
where do i find the courage to forgive you, and love you whole again?

contentment

lying down together and gazing into each other's eyes, talking about our past and planning our future, this is what i've always dreamed of.
but will all these change? will you revert back to normal, and take me for granted again if i forgive you? will it give you a chance to hurt me again?
i am starting from point zero again, learning to forgive and learning to trust, learning to love again. baby steps, right?
I'll never want to leave you, it's just that the pain and anger takes over sometimes so much i just want to leave you behind and walk away. but then i'd recall how you cried and begged me to stay, how broken you are and i know myself- i'd return to you in a word.
i just am tired of being taken for granted, i want to enjoy being felt like someone is really terrified of losing me, because i'm afraid it will all come to a stop once i forgive. I don't want the mentions to stop, I don't want the words to stop.
I love you, please give me time. but meantime please do not stop trying...

conflicting soul

everyday with you is splendid, i have always enjoyed every waking moment with you. but today was exceptionally great, it was as if i finally could see us going somewhere, and i could be all i ever want- myself in front of you and i am not afraid you'd love me any less.
why did it take us so long to reach here, to feel as if we are really one now...?
why do people only start cherishing when something has changed and they realised that they may lose whatever they have at hand...?
I spent the whole time looking for answers, i spent my whole life finding what i really want. and i found them in your eyes today. today i finally had the courage to look back into someone's eyes for a really long time. I see what i had always wanted in front of me, i realise he's the answer to all i'll ever need in my life.
and the moment i saw the priceless smile on your face when you told me you were imagining our future wedding together, depicting the actual scene, i never felt more loved at that point of time. I felt like the most amazing man on earth have accepted me, accepted and acknowledged his love for me, sadly through his almost loss of me.
I see the pain in his eyes when i forced him to face the fear of losing me, losing us and i couldn't bear to see it because i finally felt someone actually being afraid to lose me in their life, i never felt more important then, than ever in my whole life.
this feeling is beyond perfect, when we gaze at each other as if there were only the two of us there and then.
I truly felt like a couple today, I could at last, sense that he was afraid to lose me, that he was willing to go anywhere and do anything for me even quitting smoking.
I cannot do without him, neither can he. but will all these feelings and emotions vanish when i give him forgiveness?
when will the overwhelming feeling of betrayal go away whenever i go back to think about what happened?
when will i truly open my heart and bring myself to forgive this boy i love so much?
I need time. I need answers.

forever and always

I want to stay with you but i cannot bring myself to forgive you.
过不了心里那一关.
but please know I love you, i have always do and i will continue to. forever and always, remember?
we promised to stay together till we grow old, why couldn't you let me continue living in this little happy thought of mine? why did you have to do something like this to hurt me. why.
I love you Alfred, I'm just not sure if i can continue anymore, i keep trying to rid myself of whatever's holding me back to bring us back to where we were before, but the thoughts just keep haunting me. I get angry, I get upset because i feel so betrayed.
This dilemma keeps pulling me apart within, doing its own war and conflict to bring me down.
I hate you, but i hate myself even more for loving you, and causing you to be like this.
I want more than you to get myself to forgive and forget. I want more than you to be back to how we were.

101 promises

will all the promises you said you'll keep by come true?
are you really that afraid to lose me? because i am equally scared of losing you too, but now i don't know.
i want to get married to you, i have no idea why am i so insanely attached to you. and when you tell me to stay by you, and get married to you by 21, i almost agreed right away.
....before i jumped back to reality and woke up to how these are probably just words to get my forgiveness.
wake up weexin, wake up. stay firm in your decision, and walk away.

because fuck you, thats why

i am stuck in this phase where i don't know what to do, i want to turn around and walk away but i cannot seem to find the courage to do it, especially when i saw you crying and begging me not to leave.
why, why did you do it when you clearly know it will end up like this.
i cannot do it anymore, once i think of her probable gloating face, i get so sick i want to leave you torn apart on the spot without me, i want to hurt you like how you did to me.

I hate you

why do you always have to rip my soul apart and make me feel like there's nothing left of me?
you just had to void whatever confidence i had of you, i had of us and leave me bare with emotions stripped. tell me what do i have to do more, because i've exhausted all my means to make this work.
and fuck you, fuck you for fooling around like this, like this with my heart.

learn to live a life with regrets

they say what you dream of at night is a reflection of what is on your mind most of the time in the day- i guess that explains my recent frequent dreams.
frankly, you'll always be the object of my envy. he treated you like his everything, he loved you with his life, he stayed on even when he had all the reasons in the world to leave you, he held on to you yet you took all of that for granted and left time and time, just because you know he'll come back running to you, be it his fault or yours. it didn't matter who was in the wrong, he wanted you, he felt that he needed you, he thought that he could not live without you, so he hung on by a thread, he knew you two walked on a fragile line, he just didn't think and know that he would see it break while it lasted.
i can never get him back, how he was when he was with you. i liked that, i liked that him. the way he behaved was everything i've ever wanted in my boyfriend, that is why i can never understand how you could ever bear to let go of him. even for the first time, when you were unsure if he'd return. how?
i never felt bad towards you, because if you did deserve the first chance(s) he gave you, you wouldn't need to ask for another. he learnt to turn away from you, he realised how holding on just pained him, he didn't see how much it was hurting him even when everyone around him could, despite being friends who just knew him, we could see how unhappy he was when he was with you. true enough, he loved you. he loved you a lot, because he told me you were his first, first for practically everything. you were also the first to accept him, you were also his first heartbreak.
probably if he had treated you badly and gave you nothing but empty promises, I would understand your bitterness better. but no you were the one who threw him away, you were the one backing out on your promises and words so remember that clearly.
nobody taught him how to let go, nobody forced him to move on without you- he just realised it. yes he did. loving someone may be one reason, or perhaps the strongest one to hold onto everything that was hurting you, but if something gradually proved to be more of a burden, more of a liability to you, you learn to leave, and live with it.
i said before, it's regretful to live with a life of regrets, but life without regrets, ironically is nothing. you feel no pain, you feel no loss, you don't feel alive. that is how, that is why, learn to live with regrets, moreover regrets and decisions you made yourself.
i went through the same phase of letting what and who i thought was the best for me leave, i regretted and now i'm learning to cope with it and live with them. because i've loved and i've lost.
that is how we learn. that is what every relationship is supposed to do- teach you, a little more each time.
"first love is important because it teaches you what is love, but last love teaches you what is life."
i will not be shameless and be confident enough to say we'll last till the end, that i'll be his last. but i'll try. because i know he is everything i want, he is everything i see that i can never bear to let go of even if you traded the world with me.
i may not be perfect, i have my flaws, i know. i hear but i don't listen. i get possessive, i get controlling. yes i'm still learning how to love, despite my past 4, i am still learning. i mean this thing called love, people spent the whole life learning about it isn't it?
but i can promise with my life, i will love him with everything i have, i may not have much to offer but i can give him all, because i know now, how much i love him. so rest assured, he is in good hands, and he is happy.
i'd not ask for your blessings, because i we don't need them :)
i got over the nasty bitter words you said, even though i was angry that i had done nothing to incur your wrath- i merely am together and loving someone you let go of, and whom you're still loving even though you  chased him away and you were the one who singlehandedly destroyed everything you two had; to put it across harshly? you deserve it.
so suck it up, get over it and stop being sour over everything- trust me you'll live happier than staying rooted and stuck at a place they call the past, refusing to move on. you claim there're chains holding you back, yes there are it's you yourself. so do yourself a favour, do us a favour and stop.
i will not entertain anyone interrupting my life, and have their eyes on what's now mine.
what's mine, stays mine, and i'll guard it/him/them with my entire life you can bet on it.
you can try, but you will not succeed. because when one senses someone is trying to take her/his world away, what would he/she do? fight till the end, because I can see what's worth me fighting till I bleed, I can see what you didn't, and what you do now but it's far too late.
i've remained calm and bear nothing but indifference towards your one-sided words and opinions of me, so don't take this a step further, because even the motherfucking saints have got a limit.
and you are reaching mine ;)

You make me laugh on days i dont even feel like smiling

I love it when you slip your hands into mine unexpectedly when you're driving.
I love it when you hold me by my waist close.
I love it when you whisper words meant only for me, it makes me feel like i'm the only one you see, need and want.
I love it when you smile because of me.
I love it when you are not ashamed to tell others you're mine just like i am yours.
I love it when you tell me i'm beautiful.
You make me feel emotions i've lost since long ago, you ignited the flame and stirred up feelings inside of me that i thought i would never be able to feel, ever.
i ask myself what would i do without you, if i lost you and i found myself thinking, "it's not that i cannot live without you, it's that i don't even wanna try."