You cannot save people you can only love 'em

I cannot help the you who's dwelling in sadness over what has already unfortunately happened
But I will love you from the side
And be there whenever you need someone

It's not much
But baby it's all I can offer

x

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so

"The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did"
I once almost gave up on my deteriorating relationship with my mother.
We were on such bad terms, we argued every time we see each other, we never exchanged a word of regards nor any greetings, it was just fights after fights after fights. I even had the thought of moving out and doing it alone on my own outside. Crazy and immature huh?
I looked for rental flats online, I bookmarked them and almost contacted them, just after a quarrel with her so bad I called her a crazy woman and other nasty stuffs. Disrespectful, rude and totally not correct.
I had so many flaws within me, I had so many issues with myself and people around me yet I failed to address it as my own problem, blaming it on anyone but myself.
I told myself, I can make it outside alone, I can support myself on my measly a little less than 2k salary per month, as long as I need not give any allowance to my mum, which at that time I thought was a huge useless burden. I told myself I don't need her, I don't need family, I just needed a job, myself and a companion (which at that time was Alfred still), that's all. I can learn to do my laundry, I can learn to cook, I can learn to tidy up myself, I can learn to be independent.
............. bullshit. All of these are so damn fucking childish now that I think about it. I should never have uttered those hurtful words, I should not have hurt and pained her this way after everything she has gone through to raise us three up alone unlike that useless father of mine. How could I have done all this, leaving our relationship to rot and wither without doing anything to salvage it? How can I ever make up for my mistakes and wrongs enough?
Sadly I only learnt it the bitter way. Not really. But yeah around there. My relationship with her gradually improved as I got myself settled with my job, after my boyfriend influenced me to improve our relationship. It got way better after she was hospitalised and diagnosed shortly after with stage 4 of colon cancer. How late, how regretful.
It was like a punch that woke me up, a deadly painful punch that stung so bad.
But I'm glad my relationship with her has improved tremendously. We communicate, we understand, we talk, we rant, we hug, we kiss, we love. She's the hero of my life, and I can never do without her.
I am truly and deeply sorry about everything I have done/said to have cut her so bad. I will do better from now on, I don't want to leave any room for regrets. I want her, in my life healthy and happy for as long as possible.

I love you Mummy, I will never stop.

He lived for those he loved and those he loved remember

I still remember the moment I picked up the phonecall on the night of 17oct- my heart dropped.
It has been almost 3 weeks since he passed away, but the heart-wrenching tug at the emotions never left. It was tough seeing how his loved ones (mine too) cried and grieve for him, while dealing with the loss of him myself, someone whom I had seen almost everyday and spent much time with.
To me, he was like a father figure, he never spoke much, he was always smiling and grinning, but he cared for us in his own subtle ways. He asked after me behind my back, he paid attention to my daily happenings, he was a wonderful and loving person, remembering and even probing for my whereabouts on the hospital bed.
saying it was difficult to handle his passing is a understatement. we miss him terribly, even i miss him so much and think of him frequently from time to time, what's more for his wife and son?
nevertheless, he fought well, he was a warrior, he won his battles and maybe this time the angels thought they would like to take him home to the lord, to end his sufferings.
daddy Oh, i pray for mummy Oh and Alfred's hearts to be comforted, i pray for all our health and well-being, i pray that you'll watch over us and stay a happy angel in the skies with Alvina, and wait till we're due to join you for a family reunion again.
thank you for always smiling at me when i went over to your place
thank you for your kind advice from time to time, they were little but precious
thank you for raising Alfred into such a fine boy, he took after you in many aspects worth noticing
thank you for leaving us with Boyce, a really grown up and sensible dog to not let us worry about him
just, thank you for your presence, you overthrew the image i had of a father all along in my heart (because of my own useless one) and taking over his position in my life for the past 1 year plus.
i will be there for both of them just like they were for me, just like you were there for me. the void and pain of losing you will never diminish, the missing will never end, but they will get better.

rest in peace our angel, we hope you'll be well in the arms of the lord above, we love you and will see you soon.

those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.

unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.