Forgiveness

I miss many things

But I know I'll regret and miss more if I let go of whatever I have now

So I want to keep holding on

But it gets so tiring

Its so exhausting to keep it going

I want to, I need to have you with me

However sometimes things get hard

I don't blame you nor anyone for what I am in

Sometimes I wonder if I lost some, or gained more being in this

The thought of having you around is impossible to resist

And I know it is worth it and it will be worth it if I fight on

But it really gets too hard sometimes

It all crumbles down to me

I know I am fortunate to have you, someone who's much more tolerant and thoughtful compared to the

Other guys around me

Times like this where I feel the need to just quieten down and think it through

Can I live with it?

What's done is done

What's hurt is hurt

You can expect forgiveness but, really forgetting it does not come along so easily

We keep going around in circles

Fighting about the same issue, then settling down then arguing about the same point again

Theres no solution to this

I appreciate the change, I really do

But really, whats done's done.

You cannot blame me for remembering, I cannot also blame the present you who's trying

Your changes do make things better, but they do not make the problem and issue disappear

And its something that's never gonna be changed

All that can be done for this is regret

And even regrets alone cannot help to solve this root of the problem

You see, thats the scary part about making a mistake 

There's no turning back

You can make things better, you're doing it

But there'll always be a scar there

Its impossible for you to make even the scar to disappear

How do you solve a question which doesn't have a solution? 

Nevermind, pardon me. 

There're weak moments like these

it's just that I feel alone, so alone without you

Fragile

There are times like this where I allow my mind to run wild 

There are times like this where i get chained down by what happened in the past

I'm too afraid to move on

I'm too timid to be happy

I know it is hard on you, hard on us 

But you have no idea how difficult it is to get rid of these 

You don't know how much effort it takes to forget what happened

Sometimes I really doubt myself and my capability to love 

I am in no position to nitpick when i'm no perfect myself

It pains you thinking how I do not appreciate your change for the better

But do you know?

it pains me even more to see me secondguess your every move;

to be tired and letting all this pull me down 

I'm sorry.

But who could love me? I am out of my mind

No one will really understand unless you're in it too.
No one will be there when you break yourself down, no one will be there when everything gets torn slowly and your world starts falling apart, bit by bit unknowingly.

After all these time, I've grown to realise that at the end of the day no one will be there except for yourself, deep down in that abyss of loneliness you face every now and then.

it isn't about being emotional nor sentimental, it's being able to see reality clearly when you're clouded by everything else. :')
I don't need to have anyone catching me when I fall, just don't be there to watch. I'll be fine, alone, eventually.

can't take my eyes off you

Love.

hold your hands in mine

31st May, her chemotherapy started.

I knew this was either for the good or for the worse, but I hoped it was the former. yes i knew it wasn't going to be easy, but it was going to be beneficial for her, to aid her in the battle in the long run.

However I honestly didn't know it was going to be this hard.

her hands tremble so much because of the medicine, seeing her awful face because of the nausea and vomiting, and her breaths so rapid. I want to make it better for her so bad, I want to help her share her pain. 

she looks so vulnerable, and she is eating lesser because of the loss of appetite.

This is only the first session, I do wish to see her better in the coming ones once her body is kind of accustomed to the chemo medicine a little more.

Please whoever is out there, help us get over this, help her get over this obstacle.

I cannot afford for anything to happen to her, it scares me too much, even the thought of it is too much to bear.

I jolt awake every now and then at night thinking of the possibility should we lose her, and it feels like my chest could cave in and engulf me alive.