Unexpected

My heart dropped for a moment but surprisingly.... it hurt lesser than I thought it would. Maybe I felt mostly indignant.

Well I cannot say the same because once in awhile, my heart loiters.... to elsewhere too.

Moving on

Yesterday I saw some things that showed me all this is going at a speed too fast for me to comprehend.

How can one who swore never to give up but to love in a different way, end everything so swift and cruel?

How can one who used to shower you with all sorts of sweet nothings you know he meant from the bottom of his heart, now throw all these sharp words at you as if it will not hurt?

I walked away yes, I chose to end the relationship I did not deny that. But I have not let your absence affected your placement and position in my heart so how can you?

It's a war in my head

I don't know what the future holds, but I know the only way out is forward.

Even if we do not end up together at the finishing line, I only need you to know it was all for your own good. You may not get it now, you may not comprehend and absorb what I mean by that, but all I can do is hope. Hope you can calm down and see beyond all the negativity and hold on to our memories tight and keep on growing yourself with positivism.

For I am learning to do that now - understanding myself, loving myself in ways I never thought I could as long as we stay in the toxic relationship that derailed over time. It isn't your fault nor mine, it just happens. Love is such, life is such.

I will still love you no matter how long time has passed, I will still rush down to you in the blink of an eye when you need me. But I know for now, all we need is time.

I wish you find it in yourself to forgive me and let go of what is blinding your eyes now. I hope we can all grow from this.

However, a hope is a hope, a wish stays a wish. Reality tends to be so different, and I can only see how you cannot bring yourself to think clear and communicate with me at all, things seem so bleak so impossible.

I miss you, I miss us. the past us though, when we were both young and reckless, when nobody else had a place in our relationship except for us.

I will keep moving ahead, I must.

I am still haunted by you

"I can go months without speaking your name and months without even having you cross my mind. It’s a relief not to have you in my head every waking moment. It’s a breath of fresh air to not have my heart rate speed up whenever I see your picture. But then, people ask me how you are and I feel my eyes shifting down to the floor because I have no idea how you are. And I have no idea who you are anymore.

I used to think I fully recovered from losing you. Like I would be able to live my life fully without thinking about you again. But how does anyone fully recover from the loss of a great love? I wish I knew. Because while I sometimes go months without you in my head, I can be reminded of you in an instant and all of a sudden I don’t feel so powerful anymore.

There is a red wooden box in my room that I rarely touch because I know the effect it’s going to have on me. No matter how good I feel about myself or how happy I am, that box fills me with sad nostalgia and I don’t know how to make it stop. It forces me to stand in my present and watch my past creep up. And I remember how much I loved you. And I remember how much you loved me. And I remember the love, the lust, the beginning and the end. How can you look at the memories you’ve had and loved and not feel some sort of ache in your chest? How do you read the letters from someone who once loved you and not feel your stomach drop?

It is a painful realization to know that you and I will never share those memories again. We will never be who we once were – utterly and blissfully in love with one another. And we will never look at each other in the way that we used to. It scares me that the words you used to write to me still affect me to this day. And how sometimes when I walk by the bench we used to sit on, it still makes me pause for a second.

I know trying to forget someone is an impossible task. And I would never want to erase the love that we so beautifully shared. But after years of working so hard on letting you go, I’m scared of the fact that the memories I keep in that red wooden box still haunt me."

- Lauren Jarvis-Gibson
http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2016/03/i-am-still-haunted-by-you/ 

Future

How everything gets blamed on me despite not being within my control still puzzles and frustrates me. But whatever that floats your boat.

Everything is getting entirely destroyed, when you and I both know it need not have to end this way. 

Once my family is being hurt in any way, words or action, I know it's time to end it. 

I didn't want things to turn out this way, don't tell me I should have expected it when I chose to break up. If we can all know how everything will end up, what's the deal in being afraid to make the decision initially?

If it makes you happy to hate me, if it makes you complete to throw off everything else we went through and I did when you hurt me more than once in the past, then do as you deem fit. I'm tired of struggling.