Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Mum called us together to discuss about her will last night. I dread it. I dread thinking about what is going to happen. Because I can never bring myself to accept it.

And my sis shared this photo. How apt. 

We know, we know that the illness my mum has is way too advanced by the time it was discovered. We all know that one day, she may succumb to it, and leave us. 

How it pains me to type that. 

I know I have to be strong, and face the fact that things happen in life. But I'm sorry, I just don't think I can ever, ever handle you being gone from my life entirely. I shudder at even the mere thought of it.

You're my mother, my father, my friend, my family, my everything. I know you have been strong for us all this while, and you want us to handle this like brave children. But I cannot, I just cannot. 

I love you too much, to let you go. And I know that you're also afraid of what's to come. From the breakdown you had in front of the doctor last week, till those that you have been through from time to time for the past 1 year plus.... You have been so fighting this so well, for us. 

I'm sorry I still hold on to hope that you'll be fine and well again, in time to come. I just have no idea how we are going to cope should you leave.

Talking about the will and distribution of the flat and money last night, I just want to hug you and tell you. I don't want your money, I'm sorry I have been this bad, I'm sorry but can you please stay and not leave us behind?

Can I be wilful for the last time?