sup

this blog is too emotional no?

Ok some updates about my life.
well puked out my dinner in the Goldclass seats at vivo midway through Oblivion last wednesday night
And practically was dead puking and diarrhoea the past few days- i was camping in the toilet i swear
Episodes after episodes of throwing up i wonder how i am going to survive pregnancy next time LOL
but thanks to the boy who was there for me, coming by to visit me and bringing/cooking me porridge :-)

And today's the 6th day! I'm feeling better already 'cept for some loud churning and rumbling in my tummy
Guess its the intestines working its way out!
And that i lost about 3kg? #unhealthyweightloss
PLUS THE VIRUS PROBABLY IS PASSED ONTO MY SIS AND BROTHER LOL

anyway so happy i didnt need the jab to stop the vomitting
I HATE NEEDLES

Fights

Largest fight ever
I thought we were not going to make it
It made me think so hard
Whether we're meant to be, because i so badly want to make you a better person
Not the wreck you show when you get my cold shoulder

But with fights come understanding
And any issue which will be an issue to our future will hopefully cease to be one
I love you, and i never intend to stop
Thank you for always taking the step first to apologise and tell me how much i mean to you, how much we mean to you
Thank you for telling me how you cannot see a future without me, whenever i tell you i cannot see our future

Struggle

You're so strong
7 hours of surgery and you got through
But i need you to stay strong
I'm sorry but i cannot afford to lose you to this scumbag cancer
It all came too suddenly, and i really wish it is a bad dream i can wake up from
How can you suddenly drop this terminal stage bomb on us?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry i didn't observe and care enough before.
But please whoever is up there, let her go. Dont do this to her, i cannot stand seeing her in pain
Shes someone whos so so afraid of needles and now i see her being inserted with all these tubes and needles
I wish i can take the pain for her so badly

Why do the worst things happen to the best people? Why?
She is left abandoned singlehandedly raising the three of us up. We have no one but her.
I will really just crumble apart if anything is to happen
So please mummy, please hang on for us.
There are so many people concerned, so many came and visited you.
So please get through this with our combined faith...

Aunty Mary, we lost you because of cancer too
I dont wanna lose another beautiful lady
So will you please help?
Help to bless her with this hurdle?
I pray and pray that everything will be fine soon.

I miss you back home so bad.
Please come home soon, healthy and safe.

Fatigue

Am i looking for too much? Or is the ordinary plain too mundane for me to handle?
Just how much is your much, how much is your anything and everything?

Insufficient

I feel like i can do so much more, i want to do so much more
I had dreams, i had things i wanted to see myself doing for the rest of my life but yet i find that i am lacking so much

I like seeing people's smiles, I like being in an environment i am happy in and right now my workplace isn't it at all
I have no motivation to head to work everyday i have taken up more leave than what a newbie would have taken in a year but i cannot stop, because once i find no joy in what i am doing, i just stop in my tracks, full-force
This is like dejavu, like a replay of what and how i've wasted my years in poly doing something i ended up flunking and leaving with a just-pass and a mentality that i absolutely cannot wait to graduate from that hell-hole
But guess what? It wasnt like that in Year 1, life was good and i actually enjoyed school because of the company i had around me, the joy i had attending school with the rest of the people i loved
Then things went downhill and i just. want out.

Customer service line has been something i have been doing and loved.
I loved working in f&b despite how tiring it gets, i loved seeing people satisfied with how i've presented myself but now, i cant. Maybe it is the environment that is not sufficient to make me strive maybe it is just me making up an excuse to cover up for my laziness but i swear if i love something i'd do it

I really want to venture out and see and feel so much more but theres so little i can reach out to, i feel empty i have nothing in my life that i can look forward to, i'm lost and i want to be found i want to know where this goes i know i can do so much more but theres no motivation anymore. I just stopped. I feel sad. I feel bad for being me, i feel fucked up for being my own limit and obstruction to more.

I'm only glad i have someone to support me in whatever i wanna do, thats one right thing i've done my whole life- loving and having him. Sometimes i even feel i'm the one dragging him and stopping him or us from advancing. Where do i go from here?