do or die

sometimes the feeling that i'm not cut out for a relationship just takes over me. i love, i've always loved the ambiguous stage of a blossoming possible relationship, it's kind of stupid because it's the period when you have no idea what exactly the two of you are, but the uncertainty brings a thrill to yourself not knowing where this may be going.
it's like a bet, a gamble, whether this will lead to- heartbreak or somewhere else. and i think i like that thrill, i somehow miss it.

I almost do

I have so much to tell you, i have so much on my mind to open up to you, i have so much weighing down on my heart that i wished i could be frank with you about, but because of the fear holding me back, fear that it'd turn out to be nothing but a nasty argument again, i chose the easier way out- i keep them all to myself.
I wished I could exactly tell you how much you mean to me, i wish i could tell you i love you and mean it.
ok i do, but recently i don't know. I mean, if love is about giving without asking for returns, if love is about loving the person with your everything, am i doing it right? If i do love you, why do i ask for returns? why do i seek equality in the efforts? confused beyond myself, i choose to believe (firmly) that it's just the way everyone love differently.
or is it not?
recently i've been threading on short-lived happiness and the frequent plunges of emotional freefalls have kept me numb and fearless, but that doesn't mean i'm okay with falling, at least not yet.

when you can live forever, is there something worth you dying for?

I miss you

I don't know why but when things get bad, I think of this old friend of mine. and i find myself missing her, who's now no longer my friend. all because i held on too tight, she broke, she left.
how many more people do i have to lose before life finds it funny enough?

days like these i want to drive away

maybe it's just me, or is it us. it feels weird today, we feel distant, or at least i do, from you. this is the first time ever since we know each other that i wasn't looking forward like usual to see you. maybe, maybe i'm just lethargic.
sighs, hate days like these when i just feel like shutting myself off from everyone and everything and not interact anymore, the weird thing is i used to feel this way too, but you were the exception, but today just feels off.

put me somewhere i won't get hurt

and even now when i viewed my old posts, thought about what i had done for this almost perfect boy, i still think that my feelings for him were insane, they were so strong. i took a year to two to forget about him, wait no- to give up on him. yep, i took that long to let go of someone who wasn't even mine to begin with, and what's worse was he had others when i was trying to get him. i saw how that girl got jealous of me, got angry at me, i was there when she left too. and sadly i also witnessed it when he found himself with a significant other. i don't know what or how did i manage to stay on despite going through the pain numerous times when i see him getting together with anyone but me. he was almost perfect to me, he was the smart one- he had perfect scores for his exams and excellent grades, he was the sociable and friendly one- because there's how i got to know him, he was helpful and never rejected anyone when they asked for help, he was the flawless senior everyone loved. he was almost like... one of the unreachable stars in the night sky, one someone like me could only dream of having.
he was the only boy i boldly chased after, he was the only one everyone saw with their own eyes how i ran to him each time he needed someone.
i'm amazed by these strong feelings i found myself having for someone, will i ever be able to feel like that again?
or will what you cannot own always be most beautiful?

i want you, forever and always

"but sometimes i need a pair of arms to hold me tight to tell me i'm really okay sometimes if i just show myself, a soothing voice to tell me that it's okay not to put up a strong front, hands to wipe my tears away and tell me it's alright to let them flow out once in awhile, that i don't have to forever be strong, that i have someone i can count and lean on when i feel exhausted from life. have you ever thought about the number of sometimes i need?"
i tracked back to my numerous old blogs and read what i had 2 years ago. this was what left an impression on me. because i found him. i found the one i can depend on when i feel tired, i found the one who wiped off my tears and told me he loved me, he loved how i am actually so weak and in pieces inside when i seem to be stronger than any other girls out there.
and i cannot believe it, even up till now that this amazing person is mine.

i love you more than i've ever loved anything

"have you ever been in love? horrible isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no difference from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. you give them a piece of you- they didn't ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like smile at you and then your life isn't your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. i hate love."
-neil gaiman