Thank you

You put the smiles on my face.

Thank you for everything, forever and always x. 

Happy one year babylove.

I Am Hardwell on Friday night, party was really good :)

More to come, never gonna end. ;)

Vulnerable

Today was a bad day. really bad.

got to work happily looking forward to this week because of our upcoming anniversary and Hardwell con, but received a call that made me tremble and tear afterwards. Mummy's cancer marker shot up, to a stunning 130+ (which is even HIGHER THAN BEFORE HER SURGERY IN APRIL IF I DIDN'T REMEMBER WRONGLY). After a month of temporarily stopping chemo, because the doc thought it was under control, another swollen lump now at her neck. 

I was so worried i couldnt work, i forced smiles on my face when customers were around. I was so eager to run home to her to make sure i am there at her weakest emotional state. I texted my sup immediately knowing it was an unreasonable request, but at the same time observing they have enough manpower today. I could not focus on work AT ALL. i was fidgeting, clasping my hands tightly together, tearing from time to time after speaking to mummy on the phone, she was crying, she sounded so so unhappy so.. Unwell. 

Sis gave me a call, after she rushed home from work midway and let mummy know i wanna go back to her. You know what? She comforted me instead, i heard her voice telling me to calm down and that she is fine, she was just feeling shocked and upset a moment ago and that the doctor will change medication for her soon to get her back on treatment. She told me to continue working well till tonight before going home to have dinner after my shift ends at 10pm, and to leave a good impression on my bosses because it isnt nice to leave midway especially when i just started. I almost screamed at her telling her "how do you expect me to focus and concentrate at work now?" It makes my heart ache when i heard her cheering me up and trying to sound better just for me. My heart broke in that instant, i couldnt hold back my tears and broke down. Even when customers were coming towards me i had to leave them for a sec. 

The rest of the day literally sucked. I had such a bad time coping with my emotions and had to keep clearing up my tears which came nonstop (at least for the first half of my shift) before it became my physical state to go downhill. I was having a cold and sneezing, sniffing nonfuckingstop i swear i have sneezed at least a hundred times today. So many customers were asking if i am okay. 

I just needed a hug. from someone who knows, someone who really cares.

I was upset, because whenever my shift ends at 10pm, the boy wouldnt be fetching me because that poor thing has intern at 730am every morning. And for this 2 days i end at 10. But he offered to come. Upon seeing me, he held my hands in the car; allowing my silence first to consume the car then came the rants and chunks of words. He got them all in. Then told me everything would be fine before attempting a few lame jokes and puns to get me laughing again. 

That one hug he gave, calmed my soul down. and he even said that he would come by again tomorrow. Because he knows i need someone there for me.

Its these smallest geatures that matter. How.. How can anyone be this.. suitable for me? Its like everything about him were perfect for me.

anyways getting home to seeing my mummy laugh and smile at my little jokes, made me better. God, if theres really one, anyone of you, can you all please hear my pleas, our cries and make her better? I cringe at the thought of anything happening to her, any slightest pain she have to feel through this whole process. Life wasn't brilliant before this incident but at least she was healthy and fit. Now shes just 49.5kg, seeing her lose weight day by day KILLS me inside out, watching her suffer the pain makes my heart ache. 

I want the healthy her back, I want her well again.

Please.

Please. 

I don't have time in any day, to think about you enough

Sometimes I get so tired, I want to give up. but at times I want to continue on to get what I deserve. this kind of sums up what I feel about my job right now.
the past few days/nights have been great, idk what else or how else to describe it. babylove got back from Brisbane (like finally) and gave him a surprise at the airport to fetch him together with mummy oh!
had a pleasant remaining day of homecooked goodies, and stayover for the next few days/nights. one of the day i was sick and down with gastric problems, hence gave work a skip. the boy woke up early with the intention to fetch me and his mummy to work together, but ended up taking care of me and sending mummy oh to work only before coming back to making sure I was fine and feeding me medicine and all. he even made porridge for lunch specially because i am supposed to eat bland but well, i never ever heed the doc's advice haha.
slept in his bed snuggled up in his usual pillows and blankets, it felt so nice, but would be better if he was around but alas, boy was doing up his car, bleh.
work these two days have been fetched to and fro by the boy, then back to his place to rest for the next day. it feels so nice, as if we're living together already. been long since i had this warm fuzzy feeling, like i can never have enough of it? wished it could go on but well, except for tonight because the boy is starting his internship tomorrow :( six whole months, gah at least i will be able to concentrate on work!

time is passing by so quickly. it has been what, one and coming half year since i knew the boy from the orientation camp and we're reaching our one year anniversary soon. i wished time would hurry, for us to get together everyday (although we're already seeing each other now every single day but yep you know) and to fulfill our dreams of studying abroad together, and also travelling around the world. its ironic though that i want time to slow a little down because it would mean his enlistment :( i'm a bitch when it comes to distance, i'm a super clingy (not really so when i'm fucked up and pissed off) girlf and Alfred is probably the only match-able guy with me in this aspect. we love (not) giving each other space but just that bit and comfy enough, and stick together all day long haha.
but then again, what's to come will always come so i will have to live with it. this is a rubbish post whereby i'm just posting whatever goes through my mind heh so pardon me.
time to give myself a rest, aint easy working this schedule of six day work weeks boohoo.
old photo, till i-feel-like-blogging-again :p

"theres some people in this world who you can just love and love and love no matter what" - John Green