Faith worked

Today is a happy day.
Mummy got back her CT scan results and blood test results. Her cancer markings went down to 15plus from 80+ before her operation and over 50 even after. Her cancerous spread spots in the other affected organs have significantly reduced in size. :')
Yes my mum is at stage 4 of colon cancer. we were all so desperate for cures and at a loss, I was trapped at a point of life I never thought I would get myself entangled in.

The chemo treatments, though hard, helped afterall. I cannot help being happy, really happy, grinning from ear to ear when I received the news at work.
Faith worked its way afterall, please let it continue to be well and she can be off the treatments after two more times.

Why do we fight

"Why is it that we often feel the irresistibility of rocking the boat that is moving smoothly and steadily along?!

Well to answer my own question, there could be several reasons. It could be due to the fact that we don’t believe we deserve to be happy and in causing waves we make it less perfect therefore appeasing our own insecurity. It is a way to balance things out, to make things less perfect. This way we can allow ourselves to be a little happy at times because we justify that happiness by saying well it ain’t perfect all the freakin time so I should truly enjoy and cherish the times that it is. Because come on, we’d be stupid to believe that anything in this world is perfect so why not at least have some control of when the shit shall hit the fan than be totally surprised when you are at your happiest? Because come on, if things would go wrong when you are unsuspecting, it would just be devastating, wouldn’t it? It would surely kill you right there and then, wouldn’t it?!

Maybe we do it because we are scared to love someone, scared that one day they will leave and so we cause a fight almost in a masochistic manner, shutting our eyes and waiting for the blow of that loved one reaching the end point and giving up. We metaphorically sit there in the corner, crouched down, eyes shut tight, hands over our heads, holding our breath waiting for the apocalypse of our relationship to come. Knowing full well that we are the ones who initiated the atomic bomb to begin with and lets be realistic if the initial blast does not kill us the fallout of the radiation definitely will, eventually.

Maybe it’s because we’re insecure and we need to be reassured. But why are we insecure? Is it because we are outside our element? Is it the foreign, the unknown that draws the most desire rather than the known and familiar? Is it these types of relationships that have an expiration date because they simply can’t be sustained over constant misunderstandings, miscommunication? Because in order to understand we need to trust and if we’re insecure there’s just simply no room for trust.

So why, why do we ourselves poison our relationships? Why do we need constant reassurance? Constant reminders and definitions? Why can’t we just let ourselves breathe and love and be loved? Why can’t we trust? Is it because our hearts are irreparably broken from the get-go? Our souls forever in purgatory? Are any of us blessed enough not to know such despair and longing, to be able to love, to trust unquestioningly and not to end up hurt?"

Blessing

Whenever I feel like I'm falling back into the abyss of mistakes and loneliness, you're there to pull me back up into reality. It's wrong on so many levels that I'm always finding faults with you, and I myself sometimes do not even know where I am heading.
But you're my direction, you're my compass that never fails to lead me to the correct way.
And I am so glad to have you. No matter how much I say I don't.

Just know that whenever I ask you to fuck off, thats when I need you closer than ever. Thank you, for never leaving me, even at my darkest side.